what granddad says at the end of this strip is one of my favorite quotes ever. it's hilariously awesome and it's a quote i've repeated on multiple occasions since i've read it. this is what i'd like to say to michael bay if i ever met the man, b/c the more i think about it, the dumber transformers is.
first, michael bay is the director. that means he didn't write the script. but i still lay the blame at his feet, b/c he's the overseer of it all. he obviously reads the scripts. he didn't think it was weird? b/c i definitely did. and ask about me, i'm not the most critical watcher of movies. i usually accept whatever is thrown on the screen in front of me. =)
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so some questions (SPOILERS AND BAD LANGUAGE AHEAD!!!):
1. what was the point of the first scene?
a space ship bombs the earth during the time of the dinosaurs and turns everything into metal. that scene then leads into the next scene where a geologist (?) is called to the antarctica to look at a find, which turns out to be a metal dinosaur. and no, it's a real dinosaur, not a dinobot. i have no idea why this scene was in there and what it was trying to tell me.
i mean, i guess from what happens later in the movie, i'm supposed to understand that the transformers came millions of years earlier to earth to transform it so that the transformers can live here but then... left? AFTER destroying every living being on earth? why?
2. what does the creator of the transformers want with optimus prime?
lockdown is a bounty hunter transformer that is sent to bring back optimus alive by those who created the transformers. ok. but... why? no one knows. or cares, apparently.
3. why is there a japanese transformer? they're aliens. why is he speaking in haikus and with a heavy japanese accent? and using 2 swords when EVERYONE ELSE is using guns?
4. why do the dinobots transform into dinosaurs? btw, in the movie, even the autobots are surprised by this. the dinobots were hunted by lockdown and imprisoned on his ship for who knows how long? it's obvious lockdown came to earth AFTER the 3rd movie, or he'd have hunted/captured optimus as he was working with the us military. so that means he had the dinobots from before he came to earth.
if the dinobots are like the other transformers and must scan the thing they transform into, am i to assume that lockdown was on earth millions of years ago for a bounty, caught these cats who were living among the dinosaurs, left earth, never claimed the bounty, then came back to earth millions of years later to hunt optimus? or, that there's another planet with dinosaurs on it?
and one more question re: the dinobots: why does that flying one turn into a 2-headed dragon? how is that possible?
5. this is my biggest problem with this movie: why is optimus such a shitty leader? there are multiple instances in this movie where i was convinced the autobots' survival was based on luck and nothing else.
first, if you've seen the trailer, when optimus is discovered by marky mark, he's heavily injured//dead from his fight with the humans who are hunting him (cia blacks ops outfit called, cemetery wind). ok. so far so good. so marky mark fixes him up and they're chased by the cemetery wind. then after he regains his strength to do his transformer thing, do you know what he transforms into? THE SAME FUCKIN' BLUE/RED TRUCK. WITH THE AUTOBOT LOGO ON THE GRILL. what the hell are you doing, optimus? do you WANT to get caught?
second, after the battle with the decepticons are over, they need to get "the seed" (the bomb we saw in the first scene) away from hong kong. i don't know why this is, b/c the decepticons are the ones who wanted it and they're all dead, except for galvatron, but... fine. i'll let that slide. so in order to do this, they decide that the best way is to drive "the seed" across "the bridge." i put quotations marks around "the bridge," b/c there's no explanation given about it. not where it goes, or why they even need to go. i mean... there's one decepticon left.
but this is the kicker: in order to drive it over the bridge, optimus tells marky mark to drive the shittiest car in their vicinity. there are multiple problems with this. first, TRANSFORMERS CAN TRANSFORM INTO CARS. second, ONE OF THEM CAN TRANSFORM INTO A HELICOPTER. WHAT THE FUCK, OPTIMUS?
third, this point connects with the previous. so after telling them to drive over the bridge, optimus faces lockdown alone. why? is this some sort of an honor thing? galvatron is nowhere to be seen, so he's not a part of this battle. btw, galvatron doesn't even attempt to take the seed back from the others.
so this means that without the humans, there are 5 autobots and the 4 dinobots. that's NINE vs. ONE. why the hell did optimus send EVERYONE away? to protect marky mark's shitty car from... who, exactly? galvatron? you needed EIGHT transformers for THAT job? hey, asshole, if you just put the seed into that helicopter/japanese transformer, the seed would have been across that bridge in like 2 minutes.
so there's that stupidity. but you know what happens? optimus almost loses. if marky mark and others didn't come back, lockdown takes optimus prime to the creators.
then when everything is over, he takes the seed and...
wait for it...
FLIES TO FUCKING CYBERTRON or wherever the creators are. like a rocket. so as soon as they had the seed, optimus could have done this. lockdown wanted optimus for a bounty so he'd have followed. since galvatron wanted the seed to turn earth into the new cybertron, he'd have followed as well. boom, problem solved.
so why didn't optimus do this earlier?
B/C HE'S A SHITTY LEADER.
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i think i read that michael bay is signed on to do 2 more transformer movies. really?
and after watching this clusterfuck of a movie, do i really want to see TMNT?
